@KeetPotato: wife: "no" me: "its a good name" wife: "keith we're not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking" me: wife: me: "woofie goldberg"

@ibid78: Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@beermanboobs: Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you're dead.

@LeBearGirdle: *Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] "OH MY GOD" ['WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS' is written in blood on the mirror]

@junejuly12: Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.