@dorkwing_duck: Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

@GrowlyGrego: My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

@Social_Mime: Bartender - Would you like to try our pumpkin beer? Me - Can I have a different bartender please?

@ayisi_yaw: #punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@iwearaonesie: me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*