@Mr_Kapowski: *runs into dental hygienist in store* Me: How are you? Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth* Me: Not so easy huh

@HeyoShellz: Me: Give me some space, I'm feeling claustrophobic 8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can't

@ForEllieSylvia: M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now

@baeblacksheep: Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm....

@DailyAdviser: I still don't understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards