@Dawn_M_: Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

@sonictyrant: HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ? ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing

@awkwardlyours: There should be a safe word for small talk: "So how about this weather we're hav -" "RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA."

@SondraDeeMe: [Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

@SkinnieTalls: The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.