ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You Might Also Like
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.