ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks