Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.