Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
You Might Also Like
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay