Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.