Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option