Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”