Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Taking phone security to the next level.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.