ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.