ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Best mom ever 😂
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters