Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Happy thanksgiving
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Still my favorite headline of all time:
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me