Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.