ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?