ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: