ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
a badder mouse
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I cannot call her anything else now
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”