I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?