Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Was it something I said?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.