Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
real
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup