Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle