Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*