ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
💯😂
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*weighs self after shaving
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Buying a well is money well spent.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.