Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her