Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
is this a warning or an offer?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.