Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Batman v Dracula
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.