Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds