me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
won’t smith
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]