ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Buck naked
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I found your tweet-up…
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.