Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.