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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.