14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.