Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Britain be like
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.