[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.