ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I was bored.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard