ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?