Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.