Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.