me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You Might Also Like
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
very niche meme I made
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy