me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Lmao the reply
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
🤣🤣🤣
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball