me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Natural selection at its finest
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
wtf is an acronym
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.