me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.