Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Cake!!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
A fake ID that makes you younger