Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
This kid is a star!
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.