ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous