ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
time machine? you mean a clock?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning