ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
What the hell happened here.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no