ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
channeling her this year
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation