me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.