me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
every college guy’s fridge
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it