Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.