Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me as a parent
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30