me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Sign of the day..
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’